Born of this

I was born of the freezing cold
brought forth in darkness
and white packed snow
the farthest North you can go in this country
land of rainbow lights and pipelines
home to grizzlies and moose

I am from a blend
a different mother than my siblings
not a part of the "club"
-the youngest
-the baby
-"spoiled"
a different nose and mouth

I am from a long line of many, many women
of  "so many girls are born, not boys"
from grandmothers I remember named Mary, Lucille and Dixie Faye

I am from a square-ish state formed in 1859
that pushes up against the Pacific
that is sandwiched between evergreens and golden beaches
with starry-eyed people

I am from valleys flanked by deliciously scented old growth
of flying puffs of Cottonwood in Spring
of marvelous shady Maples and buzzing mosquitos and bees
and of two....maybe three months of heat

I am from touchy hands
too many hands groping
under beds and in trailers in driveways...on couches...in diapers
of not knowing how to ask for help
of becoming who I am
because of it

I am from a last name that is too hard to pronounce
from a Bohemian place with Moroccan ties that I'm unable to solve
of silly nicknames and annoying rhymes
of always being last in line

I am from cabins at the beach or on a lake....on the weekends
of old, musty furniture and plaid wool blankets
of trying to have fun
of uncomfortable arguments and shitty food
of tables being flipped and obscenities flung

I am from lakes and rivers and too much drifting in boats
of putting worms on lines
"no...not like that, like this..."
of needing to go to the bathroom so bad
(of thinking how handy a penis might be)
and of the smells of tackle box and engine fumes
of the fog frizzing my hair
of nails being picked with pocket knives

I am from winning

art and writing contests

of always trying my best

of overachieving (sometimes) 

of feeling alive when creating and learning

of wanting to make people proud

of trying hard in school but giving up later

I am from dogs in the house

and in my bed and under my sheets

as best friends

of crying myself to sleep in their hair

and letting them take food from my mouth

I am from a mouth full of metal

and being lucky to have it
from a pimpled face
from shaped too square and bad hair
from awkward and overlooked
until later

I am from silence
from expressing myself with a brush or a pen
because it can hurt too much to speak
or to not be heard at all

I am from not really being sure what a woman is supposed to "be"
from trying to feel pretty but not sure why
from feeling strong and pissed
when they said that I shouldn't
I am of cussing out assholes
and sometimes being one too

I am from getting stoned
but not liking acid or shrooms
of practicing Earth magic since childhood and playing telepathy games
of shuffling tarot decks and making my own Ouija boards
of riding my bike to church camp because I didn't have a choice
of constant, obsessive compulsive conversation with my inner voice

I am from humid, forested parks
golden wheat fields, dirty rivers and dusty trails
of "becoming a woman" under shimmering stars and quivering trees
next to gravestones and old sheds filled with rusty garden tools

I am born and raised from mental illness
of learning not to be seen or heard to stay safe
of unlearning that too
of fighting demons
of growing angry and afraid
and struggling to stay on a path with some light

I am from LOVE
of searching for love 
and learning how to give it 
I am from finding it

I am from Motherhood too
from abundance
of feeling worried and proud  
of giving freely without expectation
of not shrinking ( finally) 
but growing

I am from trying to learn something new everyday
of looking at things from more angles
of listening to voices that aren't mine
but not losing track of my own

I am from wanting to own who I am

and maybe love who I am 

someday

I am from a place that is dark and light
good and bad
not black or white

…but gray

a lot like
the skies
where I am from