blood

my dad was hard

he broke bones with his fists
his own
and others
he left scars
and little wars where ever he went

i once saw him turn a steel ladder
into a pretzel with his bare hands

i could relate to that ladder
with the twisting and breaking of
my own heart by that same man
--------------------------------------------

my dad was hard

when i was little he was my tunnel vision
my archetype of man/father
strong
big
loud
proud

i wanted him to love me
too much

i would climb up onto his lap
like the big craggy mountain that he was
but his ice blue eyes rarely
fell upon me
or looked very far into my soul at all
and rarely did his lips smile for me
...just for me

he would swipe me away
like an unwanted distraction
not enough space in his head
for a daughter and
her thoughts too

---------------------------------------------

my dad was hard

i tried to win over this difficult man

i would joke and be silly
try to soothe/seek attention
from this human that swayed back and forth
between anger and sometimes happy

i didn't know what bi-polar meant
or what a narcissist was
when i was four

neither did he

i felt it in my bones though
like the thunderous rolling bass
that shivers up through the earth
and into your soul
when a storm is close

you learn to brace yourself
in ways that
don't make you proud

afraid to make a sound
to say the wrong thing
or even breathe

one learns to adapt

so i shrunk
became silent and smaller
stopped crying
when i was nine

with no protector or advocate
i became my own

always looking over shoulders
for danger
clinging to the wrong
kinds of harbor

i became invisible to him and eventually to myself

i lost myself in that world
for too many years

---------------------------------------

my dad was hard

he was a weaver of ugly words
of hateful tapestries
of shame and regret
of saying things that he could not take back
...ever

i wish i could say he loved like he hurt
intensely
immensely
wholly

i never felt it though
but it might have been there
i'm sure it was there

maybe i was unwilling to see it
through my goggles
of self preservation

maybe i was at fault/to blame
for closing my heart
to block pain

i've never believed in
all good or all bad
in all black or all white

there is always the in-between place
an innate striving for balance
a desire for light
...right?

we try
everyday
to be better versions
of our selves

he tried and he tried and he tried
and he failed
more times
than he tried

but he tried

that's what i keep telling myself
------------------------------------------

my dad was hard

two weeks before my wedding day
he held a loaded gun to his head

not the first time

it was my fault
he said
but i never knew why
to this day

i didn't stop him
and he didn't shoot
and he kept on living like
he'd done nothing wrong

like the world owed him something
more than what he already had

which was everything

-------------------------------------------

my dad was hard

like the time i lost the child
inside of my womb
and he ranted and raved on my doorstep
for all the world to hear
that i'd sinned
was a whore
was worthless and cheap

no love/support

please
go the fuck away

let me live through this moment
of unbearable sadness
without your 
judgemental gaze

i was eighteen
he was forty eight
and i am thirty nine

twenty one years and the pain
still stings

"you can forgive but you can't forget"
was the real lesson
he taught me
that day

------------------------------------------------

my dad was hard

on a winter morning
not long ago
he left this world
too fast

it was my son's
thirteenth birthday
the fifth of march

of all the days in the year

in spite of all the agony
the hurt
i wanted to be there
for him

with my hand in his
my head on his shoulder
to bear witness to the
sound of the last beats of
his heart

to help him feel less alone
on his journey away
from here

i hoped for a love stripped down and
pure enough that it might
cut through our differences
like a sharpened knife

fresh
new
life
blood

i hoped to say "i love you"
( a rarely spoken phrase between he and i)

to say goodby
to his face

to tell him how sorry
and sick i felt/i feel
to know that he was in
so much pain

to think
that my big strong tatinek
might have been
afraid
in this world
is a jagged
dagger
through the most tender
center of
my heart

i wasn't there
he left too quickly

it will haunt me

forever

tatinek

I forgot
how to breath

held it in
til i was
the color of the sky

did you know that you'd die

it was a drain
too big
that sucked too fast

i fell in and spun
down
down

to the bottom of that pit in my stomach

to the place where dread breeds
and fear feeds

now i am

aching heart
and bones
and shaking hands

and i'm alone

wandering
wondering
looking
for
you
in
the
stars

tatinek

sunday

the beauty is almost unsettling

tightly woven
kaleidoscope homes
built with old trees and rocks and hands
...the hearts and hopes of people spilling out
onto sidewalks

I am careful not to stomp or crush
or be too envious

cobbled paths curve
connecting roads to thresholds
lined with weeds and bees
and blossoms
in various stages
of grace and decay

fallen limbs lashed and twined
make gentle borders
guarding ancient earth medicines
and tonight's green salad

carefully stacked stones become shrines
for daffodils and rings around fragrant lilacs

impregnated mounds of dirt
anxiously yearn to give birth
to wrinkled green leaves
and baby soft petals

...cherry blossoms dance against a periwinkle sky

the bones of houses bend and arc
sighing from trying
to keep
it all
in

just as hearts hold love and memories
bricks hold the dreams of yesterday and tomorrow
...glass remembers
...the soil speaks
...wood weeps

this walk is my church

baptized by droplets of dew

unbound

finally free

to breathe
to speak

but not without guilt
...unwarranted
unwanted
unearned
guilt

this too shall pass

the words
they break free
from their prison of teeth
and fly from her heart
like doves caged
for a thousand years
.....set free

for so many years ...she stayed small
for you

...kept quiet
for you

...shut her eyes
for you

now tightly bound feathers
unfurl and uncurl
and spread wide
for the very...first...time

aching and sad
but thriving
...alive

missing the touch
but the emptiness
feels good too

look at her

she can love you from this place
and love herself too
finally

free

-----------------------------

these words were once dangerous
so she kept them inside
but the day is anew
and she will no longer hide

achtung

it's hard not to hate myself

for not loving you

but

slowly

i am me again

because you need me

more

or

because I hate you less

i cannot say

time looks different

now

from hollowed eyes

love sounds different too

from dank cavities

aching, shrinking bones

and a heart too fragile to tear me apart

anymore

hidden for a lifetime

afraid to peek out...to speak out

too scared to be me

while you're here

shrunk and pushed and pounded

into the smallest of caves

so dark that

darkness is now my home

and my cloak

and feels safer to me

than your 

love

 

 -------------

I walked past the Black Forest the other day

and wanted to go inside

to dig a hole... to sleep and just be

...feel finally free

but I had to get to you

to give you something

you could never 

give

to

me

enough

I try

and

you try

to conjure up light

and love

and hope

and share

it with

one another

but

sometimes

the light goes away

or fades

or dims

 we scratch

and scramble 

and claw to hang on

to just enough for ourselves

to keep us alive

not enough to share

and it's dark 

it's empty

it's lonely and cold

and I have been here 

and you have been here

and I'm telling you now

when we have nothing to give

or enough 

to give 

please 

don't stay quiet