my dad was hard
he broke bones with his fists
his own
and others
he left scars
and little wars where ever he went
i once saw him turn a steel ladder
into a pretzel with his bare hands
i could relate to that ladder
with the twisting and breaking of
my own heart by that same man
--------------------------------------------
my dad was hard
when i was little he was my tunnel vision
my archetype of man/father
strong
big
loud
proud
i wanted him to love me
too much
i would climb up onto his lap
like the big craggy mountain that he was
but his ice blue eyes rarely
fell upon me
or looked very far into my soul at all
and rarely did his lips smile for me
...just for me
he would swipe me away
like an unwanted distraction
not enough space in his head
for a daughter and
her thoughts too
---------------------------------------------
my dad was hard
i tried to win over this difficult man
i would joke and be silly
try to soothe/seek attention
from this human that swayed back and forth
between anger and sometimes happy
i didn't know what bi-polar meant
or what a narcissist was
when i was four
neither did he
i felt it in my bones though
like the thunderous rolling bass
that shivers up through the earth
and into your soul
when a storm is close
you learn to brace yourself
in ways that
don't make you proud
afraid to make a sound
to say the wrong thing
or even breathe
one learns to adapt
so i shrunk
became silent and smaller
stopped crying
when i was nine
with no protector or advocate
i became my own
always looking over shoulders
for danger
clinging to the wrong
kinds of harbor
i became invisible to him and eventually to myself
i lost myself in that world
for too many years
---------------------------------------
my dad was hard
he was a weaver of ugly words
of hateful tapestries
of shame and regret
of saying things that he could not take back
...ever
i wish i could say he loved like he hurt
intensely
immensely
wholly
i never felt it though
but it might have been there
i'm sure it was there
maybe i was unwilling to see it
through my goggles
of self preservation
maybe i was at fault/to blame
for closing my heart
to block pain
i've never believed in
all good or all bad
in all black or all white
there is always the in-between place
an innate striving for balance
a desire for light
...right?
we try
everyday
to be better versions
of our selves
he tried and he tried and he tried
and he failed
more times
than he tried
but he tried
that's what i keep telling myself
------------------------------------------
my dad was hard
two weeks before my wedding day
he held a loaded gun to his head
not the first time
it was my fault
he said
but i never knew why
to this day
i didn't stop him
and he didn't shoot
and he kept on living like
he'd done nothing wrong
like the world owed him something
more than what he already had
which was everything
-------------------------------------------
my dad was hard
like the time i lost the child
inside of my womb
and he ranted and raved on my doorstep
for all the world to hear
that i'd sinned
was a whore
was worthless and cheap
no love/support
please
go the fuck away
let me live through this moment
of unbearable sadness
without your
judgemental gaze
i was eighteen
he was forty eight
and i am thirty nine
twenty one years and the pain
still stings
"you can forgive but you can't forget"
was the real lesson
he taught me
that day
------------------------------------------------
my dad was hard
on a winter morning
not long ago
he left this world
too fast
it was my son's
thirteenth birthday
the fifth of march
of all the days in the year
in spite of all the agony
the hurt
i wanted to be there
for him
with my hand in his
my head on his shoulder
to bear witness to the
sound of the last beats of
his heart
to help him feel less alone
on his journey away
from here
i hoped for a love stripped down and
pure enough that it might
cut through our differences
like a sharpened knife
fresh
new
life
blood
i hoped to say "i love you"
( a rarely spoken phrase between he and i)
to say goodby
to his face
to tell him how sorry
and sick i felt/i feel
to know that he was in
so much pain
to think
that my big strong tatinek
might have been
afraid
in this world
is a jagged
dagger
through the most tender
center of
my heart
i wasn't there
he left too quickly
it will haunt me
forever
